WAHHHH

Why did blogger change?
Why is it different?


I don't think I like this!

Something so overwhelming, the presentation is bland

We haven't talked in so long.
I don't have a stupid computer and I hate it.
I miss you.
I want to vent to you.
To you, to our blog.
I've not had the chance to vent in sooooo long.

On the topic of boyfriends... I love mine. Things are so freaking awesome. I think I avoided it because I was scared, my fear of commitment and all. But we just kind of slid past that and the next thing I knew, it was there.

On the topic of life, I really miss my friends. I got drunk last week, but that's the first time I've really drank in a long time. I hardly drink anymore. Seriously. I might have one drink a night at best. I was going to quit smoking this week, but i've postponed it to next.

My grandma is in the process of dieing right now. I'm at my parents house, if you didn't see my myspace bulletin. I haven't gotten the phoen call, so I'm waiting. The funeral will be this week. Then I'll come back to town.

Can we do coffee?

Seriously. You get first dibs on my stuff if you shoot me in the face

Everything happens in goods and bads.. or something like that.

+ I got a new job, so I'll be able to pay all of my bills now and life will be sweet
- I have nowhere to live in a week. I will pro baby be homeless. Anyone wanna give me their address?
+ I'm actually pretty freaking happy and have had a great week.
- Today, my car broke.

I don't know how I'm going to get my car away from Javaroaster.
I don't know how I'm going to pay to fix my car.
I have about $10 to my name. Total. I'll probably have another $20 tomorrow?
I'm not really sure how I'm going to get to work.
I have nowhere to live.
I have no way to make it to work.
I'm tired.
I'm cranky.
I'm done with life.

I don't even know how I could move back home, seeing that I have NO TRANSPORTATION.

Fuck me.

Timmy tries to draw mountains while riding in a horse and buggy across a bumpy gravel road during the middle of an earthquake

I'm in a really weird place right now. I'm asexual. I'm supposed to be. And when I like boys, I'm confidant. I make things happen exactly the way I want them to with no one realizing I'm controlling the situation.

At least that's how things are supposed to be.

I, however, think I have been played.

[as a side note, I think I just ripped off my nipple while bralessly trying on shirts far too small for me. Ok, it's not off, but it freaking hurts in that distracting way]

Alright, so back to that situation. The worst idea for me ever is to watch the movie Tombstone. I think it beats Fight Club and The Believer in terms of "Top Movies to make Michelle Jump Someone."

Guess who watched Tombstone today?
Guess who watched this film while waiting on someone to call?

I've hit a dry spell. I need to make out.
I need to make out soon.
It's pretty much all that's been on my mind for months.

I want to make out
I want to read books
I want to drink tea
I want to play scrabble
And I want to get all dolled up to do any of the above.

These things make me happy. Why don't I do more of them?

This blog is pretty much a snapshot into my head.

My confidence had been like a bipolar ADHD child with the way it's bouncing all over the charts.

One minute, I feel spectacular. I am believing this is overcompensation because I sound like a selfish bitch I hate when this happens. And it is not at all flattering.
The next, I feel as though I am less than a dime a dozen. I don't feel special or unique or even worth more than a moment before I'm tossed aside for the next.

I need to even this out.

I'm having Michelle Time this weekend to hopefully help rectify this situation. Probably not seeing that "Michelle Time" will consist of sitting at the CC for endless hours.

OMG, look at me, I can't even write a real blog.

Time to read, drink some tea, and probably pass out.

Call me tomorrow, and we picnic.

I poted in my other blog.

It's all about how I want to get married and have babies.

I thought I'd let you know in case you are intersted.
But also thought it might freak you out....

:)

ily.

Sitting and Waiting

[Written a few years ago]

I’m waiting for someone to come and unlock the door
Into all of those wonders
To learn
To be
Waiting for the day I finally get to join those inside
Waiting for someone to come let me in

I am waiting here, but it comes with a price
How long?
Should I be doing something to get in?
Will this wait ever end?
I may never get the chance to come inside
But how will I know if I do not wait?

I hold the key to unlock the door,
But is it strong enough to let me in?
Can I handle what is on the inside?
More importantly, am I capable of being handled?
Will the losses be justified by what is gained?
I have to wait until I know

I’m ready for everything that we can share inside
But I need to be alone right now
We feed off of each other until we are so high
I knock the ladder from under us and we both come crashing down
I look at what has happened, what I have done
And wait until I can no longer hurt

Everything that I’ve ever wanted waits behind the door
Clarity, hope, you, me, understanding, love, beauty, happiness
I watch people come and go with their shiny keys, waiting.
A familiar face asks me to come inside
And watches to see the key I pull out,
The shape that makes it mine

“I don’t really have a key”
“Nonsense, everyone has a key”
So I pull out the chain around my neck
“My key is rusty and worn
Is it ok that it is old?”
I watch as a tattered key is put in the lock

As the door closes, I laugh
This is all it takes? It all seems so simple
I step up to the lock and put in my key, ready
As I start to turn, my rusty key snaps and crumbles
The door will not open, so I sit
And wait

I thought I would share one of few writings I actually show to the world.
There's another one you may see someday.

Perhaps one day I will be nice. That day is not today.

I'm a bitch.
I'm a huge bitch.

Goodness, I try so hard to suppress it. But, sometimes I snap.

I'm better about it now than I used to be.
I'm better about it now than I used to be.
I'm better about it now than I used to be.

That's all I can keep telling myself.

And, I sometimes don't really care if I am a bitch.
I am a fucking decent person.
I try as hard as I can to be a good person.....
And, I am a damn good friend to have.

So, I have a standard for how I expect myself to be treated?
I've been burned and walked all over one too many times in the past.
And some of the wounds are still bleeding, so I don't apologize.

I try so hard.

But I can't take girls in general.
I can't take their stupid catty games.
I HATE it.

Actions speak louder than words.


Ugh.
Ok, I'm better now.

Sorry for anything that I may have started...

Oh, I can't take another heartache...

So, I'm a bad girlfriend.

We've established this. I've talked with you about the fact that I never want your life to turn out like mine. Because my heart is so hard it's depressing... I think it's time for a little background.

I dated throughout high school, being commitment phobic as always. Once I graduated, things pretty much stayed the same. There are dozens of less than meaningless relationships scattered throughout my history. Only three or four are worth noting. I'll try to be as brief as possible summarizing those.

After graduation, I started to date this boy from home, Chad. He was a year younger than me. He pretty much did everything right. The thing is, even though I don't like to Officially Commit, I'm the most loyal girl there is. Even though I went to school two hours away, and had no car, I returned home at least every other weekend to see him. I would stay in my dorm in the afternoons/evenings, waiting to talk to him online. His life went on. I didn't make new friends because he consumed my life. What happened in the end of that relationship was my fault. I encouraged him to take dates to dances, to go out on group dates with his friends, and to enjoy himself. This worked out well for the better part of our relationship [I should point out that this relationship only lasted 6 months, but you must realize that is long for me]. Well, it all came to a shattering end when I unexpectedly obtained a ride to Indy for our friends' band's show. I talked to him about two hours before the show and told him I would be coming. This was following normal protocol. If he had plans with someone, he had the opportunity to tell me, or to let her down. He said he was excited to see me. He and his best friend arrived during a set. His friend said hi to me, and I gave him a hug. I tried to kiss my guy hello and he blocked and kissed me on the cheek. After the set, we all began to talk. He and his best friend had a girl with them, one who I assumed was dating his friend. Wrong. Needless to say, they were on a date. We had a Long conversation [complete with veins popping out of my forehead], where he said he didn't know she was coming, his friend had made the plans, and we would talk about it later. I got home before he did that night, and spoke with his mom online. I told her I'd met the girl, and she told me that he had been seeing her every day for two weeks [his mom knew I didn't mind his going on dates with other girls]. Needless to say, when I talked to him the next day, things were over between us. We remained friends and he would talk to me about how he had fallen in love with this girl, and I would give him relationship advice. She broke his heart, and I stood by and put it back together [ever resisting his advances on me]. This was a really tough relationship for me, because he meant the world to me. When we broke up, and for several months after, I mourned the loss of our relationship as the biggest loss of my life [funny side note, while I dated him was at the time I had never had a drink, done drugs, or a cigarette. He was a pothead who drank excessively and had been arrested for minor consumption by age 16]. We are still friends.

The next, and most influential boy, happened during this time. This boy is Kyle [a name you should know]. I met Kyle when I was in high school. He's a goofy looking boy, but I love him. We knew each other for a while. October break of 2001, we went on a date [yes, this is still when I was dating Chad from before.... I thought Chad and I had ended.] Kyle was perfect. The first night we hung out, he helped me dye my hair, and hung out with me and my friends. We spent chunks of time together just driving around town at night, talking. It wasn't just physical, we had a lot to share. We went to see him at work, and I slipped a note in his apron that said "I like you, do you like me? Yes No" [I'll stop gushing... If 4 days takes this long, imagine how long it will take you to read several years]. Anyway, things were perfect, but Chad got all sad about me going out with someone else, and I spent the next two weeks struggling. I had been with Chad and knew him better, so decided to stay there. I broke off things with Kyle, and he said "It's okay, we have different beliefs anyway." So, in November, we ended. In January, things with Chad and I were history. Two weeks after that, our friend Tristan was coming to visit my roommate Jill, so Kyle came up. We hit things off and started to be more romantic. Then, I found out that he had a girlfriend named Ama in Muncie [This is a funny story I will share later]. I was angry, after my last experience, and decided to end that. [On the time line, a few months later is where I started dating Pat for a bit]. I dated other people, and I encouraged him to date one of my friends, even though it did not last long. We tried to hang out that summer, and it did Not fair well. He was dating someone from home, and I couldn't stand being around the two of them. We got into a fight at one of my shows in which his band played. After that, I hated him, and he hated me. We were not on speaking terms, and when our mutual friends would talk to the other, we would get upset [immature, I know]. Regardless of all of this, I still missed him like Crazy. I was living my life again, and even when we were dating, he encouraged it. Our friends were sick of our fighting, and I kept trying to remember why exactly I hated him, which only made me miss him more. That next fall [2002], he got accepted to Americorps. One night before he left, we spoke online for the first time in months. He said that we fought because we were too much alike. He told me that he had feelings for me he shouldn't, and I agreed. It was easier to hate him than it was to miss him. We agreed to be friends again, and tried to talk while he was away. Each time we would talk, I would want to be with him. That Christmas, my best friend's mom died. Kyle came back in town, and we saw each other at the funeral. He was my support, because I was a huge wreck. I missed him and wanted to see him again. We hung out over break, and started talking a lot more often. I was dating someone at the time, and I knew it was an issue, because I didn't want Kyle to know. Regardless, we tried to remain friends. Valentine's day of 2003, all of my friends were out of town or on dates. I was to go to a show, but the weather was too bad for me to drive. I sat in my apartment, and realized I had a lot of alcohol in it. What else was I to do but drink? I loved drunk dialing then, and called everyone. I know I called Kyle at least 9 times. I left him messages to the extent of "I love you, I miss you. I just wanted to wish you a happy Valentine's day. I really love having you in my life, even if it is only a friend. I don't want to let my feelings get in the way of that, and I want you to know that I'm working on moving past them." The next week, I was in Bloomington visiting friends, and he called me back. He said that he missed me, and that he didn't want me to ever work toward no longer having feelings for him. He said that he would be home in April for a week, and he wanted to see me. He asked if we could hang out and see where things go, with an open mind. I was so happy, and I agreed. Throughout that next month or so, we talked sporadically, but I was still pining. In April, he got online one day and we started to talk as usual. He asked how I was, and I said not bad. I presented the same question, to which he replied "I'm GREAT!!!" I asked why, and he told me he had found the love of his life. I asked how that was working out, and he signed off. A few days later, he posted a blog about her, and how much he loved her, and was considering moving to NH for her. He ripped my heart out that day, and he kept it. That summer was hard. I dated a lot, and we were still friends. When he moved back home, I was the first person he called. It was awkward to see him. We had a long discussion about how we had been, and just caught up. For the first time, we Really talked about the things that had happened between us. He told me that he had thought I would be the only person he was with, and I told him he meant a lot to me. We became really close. Eventually, things did not work out with the girl he was dating. I was there for him, and I was the only person he really leaned on. After they broke up, I wanted nothing but to rush into his arms, though I knew I shouldn't. Finally, on Halloween, we hooked up. After that, we were inseparable. We had always somewhat hid our relationship from our friends, but this time, he was out in the open about it. We would kiss and hold hands and be affectionate in front of our friends. We were living in different cities, but I could not have been happier. That next January, when I went to come back after Christmas break, I told him I needed to know what was going on between us. He told me that he wasn't over his ex, and that he hated long distance relationships. I was crushed. We stayed close friends, and everyone didn't know how to handle our split. That April, I moved home. We spent the next moth at work, or together. He was really depressed, and I encouraged him to apply for another Americorps position. He got it, and left that May for WA. He was to be gone 6 months. I was the only person from home, other than his parents, that he spoke to. About a month before he came back, he kept asking me about taking me on dates and things. He came home, and things were off. I found out that he'd had a girlfriend while he was there, whom he'd still been dating when he asked me about dates. She came to visit, and he wasn't happy. He had ended things before he left. We ended up getting back together, and it was great. Then, things got too serious. We were together. He wasn't leaving, I wasn't leaving. We were actually acting like..... well, like a couple. And we weren't just pretending. I freaked out and hardly spoke to him for a few days. He started to pull back, and I felt guilty. We went through about a month and a half of pushing and pulling, until one night, I told him we couldn't be together. I told him that I still loved him, and I wanted to be with him, but I wasn't ready for something so major in my life at that point. He understood. We still saw each other all of the time, and we actually stopped talking to most of our friends. He and I wouldn't do anything without the other present, and we only talked to about 3 people we knew on a regular basis. People invited us to parties as though we were a couple, but we swore we were not. This worked for me. We did all of the coupley things, without being a couple. We never kissed or made out, but we were 100% dependant on each other. We started a non-profit organization and worked a lot at that. We raised money to send him to Thailand that summer for three months. That March, I started making plans to move back to Lafayette. We started making out again, and were back into our ''dating'' mode. Shortly after I moved, he left. I talked to him for about an hour every day that he was gone. I sent him all of the money I had so that he could live [Not to mention the $2-3 thousand of my money that I gave him to go]. We started talking about marriage and kids and where we wanted to live. When he came home, neither of us could have been more happy. We were borderline disgusting. I loved him completely. One night in September, we sat down with our friend Tristan [the one who's mom died...]. We started talking about our wedding, and our lives again. We wanted Tristan to be a part of it. Needless to say, my whole future was mapped out. That October, he and I took a trip to Nashville to visit our friend. The trip was as always. When I dropped him off, he kissed me and told me he'd call me tomorrow. That never happened. I called him a few days later, when I realized I hadn't spoken to him. No response. After about a week, I started to fret. At two weeks, I started sending emails. At three, I started to ask all of our friends what was going on. Apparently, he was dating some girl he knew in Jr High. And she had changed him. Sometime in early December, a friend and I were to stay at his apartment. He finally called me back and told me that we could be friends now, and he would stop ignoring my calls. That didn't happen. The week before Christmas, I was staying at his apartment with his roommates, and he was gone. One night, he called Tristan and told him his relationship was over. He came home, I gave him a hug, and we were fine again. We spent that Christmas getting along as though nothing had happened. That January, I helped him repair his heart. In February, he asked me if we could date again, and I said no. Our friendship was rocky for a couple of months, but now everything is fine. He is still my best friend, and I still love him, but I cannot forgive him for shattering my heart. I honestly believe that it will never be put back together.

Another side note of a boy that matters was named Josh. I dated him while Kyle was in Washington. He came out of nowhere, and I had a lot of fun with him. One night, while drunk, I asked him where things were headed. He said he didn't know, he just loved being around me as much as possible. We dated for two months. One night, we slept at our friends' apt as always. I woke up and had to go to work. He started holding me and kissing me, and asking me not to leave. I told him I had to go to work, but I would see him that night. When I got off of work that evening, I called him and he didn't answer. I then called our friend to see what was going on. I met her at Waffle with another friend, and they asked if Josh was still asleep. I told them I'd not talked to him. When we got back to her apartment, he was asleep on the couch. Everyone tried to get him to go somewhere else to sleep [He and I always slept on the futon in the Computer room], but he wouldn't. When I got there, I tried to wake him up and tell him I was there, but he only got grumpy with me. I left him. That night, a couple of the girls and I slept in the computer room, and he remained on the couch. When we woke up, almost everyone was gone. He was asleep on the couch, and we asked him if he wanted to go get coffee with us. He yelled at Janell and told her to let him sleep. When we returned, he was gone. That night, I went over to Janell's after work like always. He was there, but he would not talk to me or look at me. Jannell and I proceeded to drink as many shots as it took to get me incredibly drunk. Josh and I had a moment alone, and I asked him what was going on. He said that this was wrong, and we shouldn't be doing it anymore. That was that. He broke up with me and it was weird. the only time I've ever really been dumped.

Pat falls in here somewhere, too. He's another one of those that didn't just fade in the sunlight. I don't know that we ever Really dated. I think we almost started to one time, and then his girlfriend ended it. Then, he tried several times, but I wasn't having it. I don't really know the story. I met him in March of 2002. We made out, hung out, and he fell. He fell hard. I think that was the main problem with him. There was never any guessing. We've been friends who randomly make out for quite some time now. I think last summer was the last time I made out with him, but I can't state that things are strictly platonic between the two of us. I think he is convinced we will get married. I would have denied it enthusiastically in the past, but now I'm not so sure... I don't want to be with him right now, but it doesn't seem so far-fetched. Ugh... I don't even know.

But you don't know what now to do, Cause the chase is all you know

I like to be kept on my toes. I like surprises. I want a happy ending, but I want to have to work at getting there. Storybook romances don't appeal to me.

My heart is frozen, shattered, and dangerous.

It causes me pain to carry it around. When people around me make it swell, it only causes more torture for me. And I don't really know what to do about this...

I'm going to be a great wife and a great mom someday. I know I will. But I don't know if I'll have the chance. Am I an emotional masochist? Perhaps when it comes to relationships.

Right now, I refer to myself as asexual because that is the way I want to be.
I think I've finally convinced myself that I am to the degree that I know no other way for me to be... Which is something I don't like to admit.
I view relationships as toys. They are something to occupy and entertain me until I get bored with them, or come across something more exciting.

I've finally realized that this is not fair when the toys with which I play are people.

They have life, personalities,

Emotions.

So, I sit alone. Living vicariously through those surrounding me.

I have so much love. I give it to my friends, but even those have wronged me, thus I do not give it out as I once did.

I'm jaded. I'm mean. I'm old, I'm tired, and I'm completely broken.

It's no fun anymore once you realize you're beyond repair....