Seriously. You get first dibs on my stuff if you shoot me in the face

Everything happens in goods and bads.. or something like that.

+ I got a new job, so I'll be able to pay all of my bills now and life will be sweet
- I have nowhere to live in a week. I will pro baby be homeless. Anyone wanna give me their address?
+ I'm actually pretty freaking happy and have had a great week.
- Today, my car broke.

I don't know how I'm going to get my car away from Javaroaster.
I don't know how I'm going to pay to fix my car.
I have about $10 to my name. Total. I'll probably have another $20 tomorrow?
I'm not really sure how I'm going to get to work.
I have nowhere to live.
I have no way to make it to work.
I'm tired.
I'm cranky.
I'm done with life.

I don't even know how I could move back home, seeing that I have NO TRANSPORTATION.

Fuck me.

Timmy tries to draw mountains while riding in a horse and buggy across a bumpy gravel road during the middle of an earthquake

I'm in a really weird place right now. I'm asexual. I'm supposed to be. And when I like boys, I'm confidant. I make things happen exactly the way I want them to with no one realizing I'm controlling the situation.

At least that's how things are supposed to be.

I, however, think I have been played.

[as a side note, I think I just ripped off my nipple while bralessly trying on shirts far too small for me. Ok, it's not off, but it freaking hurts in that distracting way]

Alright, so back to that situation. The worst idea for me ever is to watch the movie Tombstone. I think it beats Fight Club and The Believer in terms of "Top Movies to make Michelle Jump Someone."

Guess who watched Tombstone today?
Guess who watched this film while waiting on someone to call?

I've hit a dry spell. I need to make out.
I need to make out soon.
It's pretty much all that's been on my mind for months.

I want to make out
I want to read books
I want to drink tea
I want to play scrabble
And I want to get all dolled up to do any of the above.

These things make me happy. Why don't I do more of them?

This blog is pretty much a snapshot into my head.

My confidence had been like a bipolar ADHD child with the way it's bouncing all over the charts.

One minute, I feel spectacular. I am believing this is overcompensation because I sound like a selfish bitch I hate when this happens. And it is not at all flattering.
The next, I feel as though I am less than a dime a dozen. I don't feel special or unique or even worth more than a moment before I'm tossed aside for the next.

I need to even this out.

I'm having Michelle Time this weekend to hopefully help rectify this situation. Probably not seeing that "Michelle Time" will consist of sitting at the CC for endless hours.

OMG, look at me, I can't even write a real blog.

Time to read, drink some tea, and probably pass out.

Call me tomorrow, and we picnic.

I poted in my other blog.

It's all about how I want to get married and have babies.

I thought I'd let you know in case you are intersted.
But also thought it might freak you out....

:)

ily.

Sitting and Waiting

[Written a few years ago]

I’m waiting for someone to come and unlock the door
Into all of those wonders
To learn
To be
Waiting for the day I finally get to join those inside
Waiting for someone to come let me in

I am waiting here, but it comes with a price
How long?
Should I be doing something to get in?
Will this wait ever end?
I may never get the chance to come inside
But how will I know if I do not wait?

I hold the key to unlock the door,
But is it strong enough to let me in?
Can I handle what is on the inside?
More importantly, am I capable of being handled?
Will the losses be justified by what is gained?
I have to wait until I know

I’m ready for everything that we can share inside
But I need to be alone right now
We feed off of each other until we are so high
I knock the ladder from under us and we both come crashing down
I look at what has happened, what I have done
And wait until I can no longer hurt

Everything that I’ve ever wanted waits behind the door
Clarity, hope, you, me, understanding, love, beauty, happiness
I watch people come and go with their shiny keys, waiting.
A familiar face asks me to come inside
And watches to see the key I pull out,
The shape that makes it mine

“I don’t really have a key”
“Nonsense, everyone has a key”
So I pull out the chain around my neck
“My key is rusty and worn
Is it ok that it is old?”
I watch as a tattered key is put in the lock

As the door closes, I laugh
This is all it takes? It all seems so simple
I step up to the lock and put in my key, ready
As I start to turn, my rusty key snaps and crumbles
The door will not open, so I sit
And wait

I thought I would share one of few writings I actually show to the world.
There's another one you may see someday.

Perhaps one day I will be nice. That day is not today.

I'm a bitch.
I'm a huge bitch.

Goodness, I try so hard to suppress it. But, sometimes I snap.

I'm better about it now than I used to be.
I'm better about it now than I used to be.
I'm better about it now than I used to be.

That's all I can keep telling myself.

And, I sometimes don't really care if I am a bitch.
I am a fucking decent person.
I try as hard as I can to be a good person.....
And, I am a damn good friend to have.

So, I have a standard for how I expect myself to be treated?
I've been burned and walked all over one too many times in the past.
And some of the wounds are still bleeding, so I don't apologize.

I try so hard.

But I can't take girls in general.
I can't take their stupid catty games.
I HATE it.

Actions speak louder than words.


Ugh.
Ok, I'm better now.

Sorry for anything that I may have started...